The Industry That's Trying to Make Fetch Happen

We're Sorry, CRE Folks, But We Don't Want to Make RTO Happen

At the risk of overstating the obvious, “Make Fetch Happen” is a meme from the movie “Mean Girls.”

Long story short, one non-Rachel McAdams character called an outfit “fetch” —shorthand, we believe, for “fetching” — and McAdams suggested to the other character that she should “stop trying to make ‘fetch’ happen.” The meme gets inserted into modern conversations when someone tries to make something “happen” that won’t happen.

We’re Not Coming Back to the Office*

That H1 needed an asterisk because there are always going to be exceptions to the rule.

One good use of the * here is the obvious: you work in an industry where you have to be there. Plumbers, electricians, shopkeepers, convenience store workers: you’re excepted from these discussions.

But where the rest of Corporate America goes, well, it’s probably more along the lines of trying to justify the use of a vacation home you overpaid for.

Behind the Numbers

This should sober you up if you’re in the corporate real estate world. Or, if you imbibe, it might send you to the liquor cabinet (where, if you know what’s good for you, you’ve already started replacing the Macallan’s with Maccostco’s).

The Motley Fool article here tells us a couple things that we’ll paste below and talk a little more about in a second.

Ignore that piece about apartments in the second bullet and take a look at the drop of greater than 25% in transactions and the drop of 15% in property values.

Why do you think your bosses want you to come into the office? Not because they care about your growth as an individual or even because they want you to bring more value to the company by putting your bums in their seats. No.

They need to cost-justify their investment. And, even with the reticence to sign on the line which is dotted — thanks, COVID response! — these corporate office space leases were still averaging about six years (this is the last survey I could find on the subject).

It’s Not About Collaboration. Or Productivity. Or Teamwork. Or…

When you look at it like the financial transaction it is, it all makes a heck of a lot more sense.

I used to work at a downtown office space that was considered ahead of its time. It was: whiteboards in huddle rooms. Open floor plans with great views. Collaboration rooms. A shower for those who biked into work. One of the first things a muckity-muck asked us after we moved in: “are you all more collaborative now?”

“Yes, and this space is great,” we said, lying through our collective teeth right before the muckity-muck headed off to a palatial executive suite.

Are you interested in a huddle room? Get to the office before everyone else, camp out in one, do your personal phone calls, even look for another job from there. Can’t get to the huddle room? Go downstairs, hang out in the lounge, pretend to be busy, put on your headphones, zone out for a few hours.

But, for the love of all that is good and holy, do not work remotely. You cannot be productive there. You can’t collaborate with your colleagues. You can’t do back-to-back-to-back Zoom meetings as well from home as you can from the office.

We Had It Figured Out Before COVID, and After…

In the not-too-distant past, pre-COVID, I worked for an international company that had its real estate portfolio down to next-to-nothing. Just HQ, which was fine but not great, and as soon as the lease was up they were moving to something that was smaller and more cost-effective.

They also had remote employees strewn about the world — a few in LA and Chicago and Toronto and some in some Eastern European enclave — and the rest were at HQ. Collaboration was fine and those of us who worked remotely would come in for regular in-person meetings.

The attention on in-person was paid to clients, not to employees: “face time” was reserved for those “let’s fly out and meet with these people in Denver so we can find out what’s going on” situations.

It worked before COVID and it worked after COVID. And people were treated like adults and could be the most productive wherever they were most productive.

And You Can’t Track ‘Collaboration’

You’re a number to Corporate America. And that means that, if your ability to be all-collaborative-and-stuff is not trackable, then your square footage is.

Because math.

Your name is on a list somewhere and if your company or department is at full capacity and you are coming into the office, then you are maximizing their investment in you(r space). If you are coming into the office but you aren’t bringing your whole self, they are unlikely to care as long as their investment in you(r space) is being maximized.

Wait, what?

That’s right! Work better from your home? Tough. More collaborative being able to hop on Slack and chat with a colleague about the Penske File while you’re in your PJs enjoying your coffee (and laughing at the traffic reports talking about yet another slowdown)? Again, tough.

Until the lease runs out.

What’s Next?

Well, look around. CRE folks are going to drive The Narrative in such a way that you’ll hear about how collaborative workplaces are. This time it’s different, they’ll tell you: The architects are designing great spaces! Downtown is coming back! There’s no better thing than coming in and playing work, especially so The Boomers can see how good you are at playing work!

All of this is theater: just look at the numbers. If your place of work has a lease that is coming due soon, here’s hoping that the smarter folks will say “hey, let’s work where we’re most productive!” If you’re locked in, get ready for a line item that cost-justifies your place on the spreadsheet.

And if you run your own show: go get ‘em. From wherever you want.